


i had dreams (but now they haunt me)

by fortheloveoffaberry



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Post-Canon, barely any divergence, bless your soul for reading, its short, just take comfort in the fact that they love each other, you can make it thru i believe in u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 11:18:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3934858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortheloveoffaberry/pseuds/fortheloveoffaberry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The blonde's golden tresses shook at she nodded her head no, "No, I get it. I do. You're trigedakru and I'm skaikru and it's all about alliances and wars, and things aren't like they were in my history books. I get it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	i had dreams (but now they haunt me)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stuffedpup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stuffedpup/gifts), [Alex_Frey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex_Frey/gifts).



> it's not that bad, i promise.  
> thank you for reading, enjoy!

Murmurings caught her ear as she walked past her people. From the bits and pieces she picked out she learned that they were still curious and confused, as to why they had walked away from battle at the mountain. A ceremony would be called for in order to explain in the morning, but for now, all the Grounder Commander wanted to do was strip herself of her armor, undo the braids of rank from her hair, and cry.

But she couldn't.

Because she was the Commander.

There were expectations to be upheld, and crying was definitely not one of them.

She would hold it in, and wait.

She would wait for the moment where the world around her seemed at peace, while the universe inside of her called the battalion to open up the floodgates in her eyes. She would wait for a moment where she could be alone and grieve. Grieve for the ones she had lost, the ones she had sacrificed; the choices she made and the remorse that filled her heart. She would wait until she could sink into a cold river - alone and oh so desperate to be gone, at least for just a moment - only to come up sputtering minutes later when every citizen under her care flashed before her eyes. She would wait to release her feelings until she could go to a meadow, filled with flowers and honeybees, and scream her pain and death for hours on end to the ever patient earth. She would wait until her screams could become sobs and her tears could water the ground beneath her.

She would wait.

Because that's what she does.

What the Commander does.

She nods towards her guard as she approached her tent, " _Muchof.  Yu na ge oda gona gon sheidgeda dula."_

" _Sha, Heda."_

He lumbers off as she steps through the flaps of her tent, and startles when she sees a figure sitting off the side of her bed, back towards her. Her eyes narrow and her fingers grab the hilt of her blade as she stealthily moves forward. She makes a mental note to reprimand the guard she had just dismissed for letting an intruder in so carelessly.

"You told me you loved me, Lexa."

Her eyes widen and her mouth drops slightly.

She definitely wasn't expecting  _that_.

The person in front of her wasn’t an intruder, but they weren’t supposed to be here either. At least, she didn’t think the person would want to be here. 

 

She clenches her jaw and dances around the statement, knowing what Clarke was alluding to, "You have to understand that I made the decision with my head, and not my heart."

"But didn't you?" Clarke sat up from her hunched position, her golden hair coming into view. "You saved your people because you love them." She turned towards her with a white smile that conveyed the pain coursing through her veins, "You love them more than you love me."

Lexa's heart becomes dimmer, "Clarke..."

Clarke shakes her head gently and meets her eyes. Tears  in her eyes glimmer in the candle light that floods their..  _Lexa's_ , tent.

"It doesn't matter because you know the worst part? I get it. No matter how much you love me, you will love them more. I _get_ that. As much as it tears me apart, as much as it pains me, I _get_ it." A strangled sob slips its way through her lips, "but, I shouldn't have to."

Lexa swallows waiting for the blonde to continue, examining her. Examining how Clarke's fingernails, caked with dirt, grip the bed furs as if they will run from her if she lets go, how her body shakes as if the Earth itself was trembling, and how her eyes are now squeezed shut as if she's able to block away the pain that way.

Lexa knows she only sees the bodies.

Clarke's eyes open, filled with grief and sorrow and betrayal, and Lexa feels a stab of pain at the thought of her causing it.

"You did what you had to," Lexa says softly, realizing the blonde wasn't going to continue.

The other rose to her feet and walked to the end of the bed, her hand holding onto the bedpost, looking as if she might fall over if she didn't. 

"I shouldn't have to be making these decisions, Lexa. I'm eighteen years old, I'm, God, Lexa, I'm  _young._ I'm a  _kid."_ A bitter laugh tumbled through her lips, "I have more blood on my hands than I would have ever imagined possible, and I'm only a fucking kid. How much more blood will there be when I'm older?"

Lexa stepped forward towards the bed, only for Clarke to step back, "Please. Don't come closer, Lexa."

She inhaled a sharp breath through her nose and gave the nod Clarke had been teasing her about just yesterday morning. That felt so far away now.

"I killed them, Lexa." The blondes knees wobbled and she held on tighter to the post, "All of them."

Lexa's fingers anxiously danced against the hilt of her sword and kept her feet planted where they were, despite her overwhelming desire to embrace the other girl and carry her far, far, far away from this painful world.

Then, she remembered the stories Clarke had told her about her past in space, and thought that maybe even that wouldn't be enough.

"I killed all of them, to save my people."

Lexa watched as Clarke's throat bobbed as she choked out the words, "Just like you left us, to save yours."

The brunette turned her head away from the girl, unable to look at her any longer. The absolute agony that was etched on the girls face was too much for even the Commander. 

_Weakness. This is weakness, Lexa._

Lexa's back straightened and she turned to meet Clarke's eyes. She would be strong for the girl. Clarke deserved that. She deserved to be listened to. Lexa deserved whatever Clarke threw at her. Lexa had betrayed her. Betrayed the girl she loved.

Her head told her to choose thousands over one, while her heart told her to take the sacrifices and fight along side the  _skaikru._

But, ultimately, logic won out.

Logic always won out.

Survival was key, and love? Love just wasn't in the battle plans.

"I did what was logical for my peoples survival, Clarke of the Sky People."

A quiet scoff fell from pale lips, "Sky People. That's what I am; all I'll ever be."

Confusion clouded Lexa's mind and she grit her teeth harder, "It is your clan name, Clarke."

"Aren't we all human, though?" A humorless laugh followed the words, and found a home in Lexa's chest, mocking her beating heart. "Human. I don't even know if I'm that anymore."

And the home turned into a graveyard, surrounded by wilted flowers, "Clarke..."

The blonde's golden tresses shook at she nodded her head no, "No, I get it. I do. You're  _trigedakru_ and I'm  _skaikru_ and it's all about alliances and wars, and things aren't like they were in my history books. I get it."

The blonde met her eyes, "I understand that what you did had to be done. I understand that what I did had to be done. But it doesn't make any of it hurt any less, Lexa."

Clarke sighed and ran her hand through her hair softly, before sitting on the bed again, facing Lexa.

"Everything has just happened so fast. Just a bit over a month ago I was living above Earth's atmosphere, without enough oxygen to support survival, and now I'm on the ground, more than enough air around me, and I still can't breathe."

Lexa stepped forward, once, lightly, relieved that Clarke didn't flinch away this time, "Clarke, please believe me when I say, you did not deserve all that you have been handed."

A single tear fell from Clarke's cheek to the dirt below as she shrugged, "I must have done something to have deserved all of this weight on my shoulders."

Lexa straightened up and looked at Clarke pointedly, though the blonde's eyes were favoring the ground, "Clarke, this life is not a punishment for you. Your spirit is strong and wise, and is one of a tremendous leader. It is not one to crumble so easily. Your spirit was brought back to this life because you can handle it, because you are meant to be here to lead it. Not the other way around."

A pained chuckled seemed to echo around the room, "What about Cage? What is his spirit in this life?"

"It is his first time in this universe, and he will return as a rat as punishment for his sins."

Lexa was surprised as a real laugh left Clarke's lips, even if it was minute. However, she wasn't surprised as strangled sobs followed immediately after.

"It is okay to laugh, Clarke. It does not mean we have forgotten the dead."

Clarke shakes her head and covers a hand over her mouth. Her eyes squeeze shut and her knees rise to her chest.

The graveyard in Lexa's chest turns into a barren wasteland.

"Please, let me help," Lexa says urgently as she steps closer and watches Clarke in her panic.

Clarke shakes her head fiercely, and rocks in place before gasping for air.

"No, please, don't help me, I don't - I just - Please don't."

Lexa clenched her fists at her sides and looked on as Clarke writhed. She kneeled in front of her and whispered softly, "Please."

Clarke shook her head and stood quickly, pacing around the room. Lexa stood with her and watched worriedly.

"I used to dream, Lexa!" She ran her hands through her hair and wrapped her arms around herself tightly, "About rain, and animals, and breathing fresh air! I dreamed about grass and ants and honey! I dreamed!" Her chest was heaving and tears slid down her cheeks like morning dew.

Cracking, her voice muttered out, "This isn't what I thought it would be."

Lexa forced a breath through her nostrils as her jaw worked against itself at Clarke’s words. 

"Would you believe me if I said I used to dream? I dreamed, Clarke! Like you. Before my duty fell on me, before I understood my position and obligations, I dreamed.”

Her jaw clenched and her eyes shimmered with feelings a Commander should never let show. With feelings that only Lexa could show.

Her voice dropped into a whisper, "I dreamed of flowers and horses. Paper and pencils and the skyscrapers of legends." Her throat bobbed as she swallowed, "I dreamed of _hodnes_ and creating my own _houm_ , Clarke."

Lexa's eyes met Clarke's as the blonde turned towards her slowly, "This isn't what I thought it would be either."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Trigedasleng translations:  
> "Muchof. Yu na ge oda gona gon sheidgeda dula." - Thank you. You can get the other warrior for night duty.  
> "Sha, Heda." - Yes, Commander.  
> "Hondes" - Love  
> "Houm" - Home  
> "Skaikru" - Sky Crew/Sky People  
> "Trigedakru" - Tree Crew/Tree People
> 
> Oh my god please don't kill me  
> Talk to me at cmdrskye.tumblr.com
> 
> If inspiration strikes I might add on to this.  
> In my head they always get together and kiss and have good times in the end. All couples have *rough* patches right?


End file.
